Call me Gonza

Been a really long while

2008-06-11T21:51:00.002+10:00

Phew.

Work. Stuff. General malaise.

time dissipates faster than I realise. Before I can catch myself saying "whoa". Which I don't really do but it's an Americansism that sticks in my head. I think I read it in a comic book a while back.

But seriously - phases of life. The last time I blogged, I was probably quite angry. Frustrated. Confused.

Not that I'm not a bit of everything still. But less of the angry and frustrated... there is more gratefulness, genuine appreciation of things close while distancing of other things. I'm not going to read my past blogs as I will most likely cringe. I think I remember the highlights anyway.

Things in my life have changed quite markedly in two years... stranger, more intense, but yet, a few things still sit at the bottom, only slightly eroded by the currents dragging my life along. My appreciation for certain details has flared like a rash from a questionable encounter at an Eastern destination while other interests are becoming almost unrecognisable.

This blog uses American spelling which is annoying. USE S's instead of Z's MONGS!!

I've seen the turn of a cycle vocationally -started with crazy busy where personalities and self beliefs were kneed in the fertile regions for the sake of favour with our apparent masters... to the current landscape where sanity is slowly recovered while past sins are hemorrhaging the system. I am the second longest serving on a team by more than a year... and I have only just worked two myself. I am lucky. Lucky that I was annoyed enough to get out of my comfort zone. Lucky enough that I began when the markets were swimmingly going. Even luckier when that when the market emptied itself into its pants that I had already established myself to an extent. And feeling luckier every day that I have a job while thousands globally are getting culled. But still, not setting up farm at the foothills of the volcano because you never know when.

I am still going through the teething phase - before I realise something. I kinda know that there will be some epiphany- it's part of my existence. Points in life that cleanse and incite a high level of intolerance of my current state. Looking forward to it but it also brings some brow furrowing. But that's how I've 'grown' anecdotally. Maybe there's an easier way. In the meantime, I've passed up a new position in the past five months to try something 'new', when I realised that I was already doing something new. Feeling very fortunate about that actually. I do hope I develop a greater depth of reasoning though. There are few naive feelings still tap dancing around. They are amusing sometimes (as tap dancing is) but it can get old and annoying (as tap dancing can).. but we'll see.

I'll find something awesome to whinge about soon I'm sure!

My Brother is a Legend!!!!!!!

2007-06-14T21:34:00.000+10:00

My brother just got through to the ABC Young Performers FINAL!!!!

For all of youse that don't know what it is...it's the premier classical competition in Australia. One soloist from strings, voice, wind and piano.

From memory, he's the first WA string player for ages and first from WA for several years since my sisters singing mate.

Could be the first WA string player EVER!!!

I am proud .... and probably the happiest I've EVER BEEN!!!!
But figures seeing that he's such a diva... and he even had a booster perm for the occassion.

AWESOMMMMEEEE!!!

2007-04-19T00:19:00.000+10:00

If a floppy haired, socially awkward dream chaser like JD (a la Scrubs) can find true love.... so can I!!!!

(Yes I know it's only a TV show but I choose to ignore that cos i love the show)

2007-04-18T22:09:00.000+10:00

I'm subscribing to the theory that you wouldn't buy a guitar from guys who are more famous for making sofas (even though they are great sofas)..
likewise, you wouldn't buy spectacle frames from guys that normally make hand bags and underwear..

Unfortunately, this tends to be a habit that will no doubt leave me skating over the thinly frozen pool of poor...

These frames do make my head look wider.

On a different note, I got told once that the reason why I didn't do certain things, was not because I chose not to, but because I just couldn't.

Well... for a person that doesn't question themselves so much, that would have probably just left a little bump and then be forgotten.

But of course, not being a person that distributes his energies efficiently, I let this bug me a bit and I will go forth and try and prove them otherwise. It has led to good situations... and lots of wasted time and resources spinning outta control.

It's some passive narcissim (actually- not that passive sometimes) or more flatteringly put, a form of latent determination that pops up once in a while.

I have 'proven' to myself and possibly to some naysayers about what I am capable of and yes, it sounds very stupid. But if this is what it takes to overcome my inertia and I do achieve something more, does the means justify the ends? Of course there are a few remarks that have made me pursue some stupid things- but they're quite fun so far.

"Love and work are the cornerstone of our humanness."

2007-03-12T22:16:00.000+11:00

1 outta 2. I don't think I have time for the former right now. I think if you don't have at least one of either, life can get frightening.

Two months down the track this year and it's been pretty much a blur- wrecked when i'm working the extra hours, anxious when I have down time.

Guess it's difficult to find that so called balance.

2007-03-05T21:58:00.000+11:00

Why is Eric Roberts consistently evil nowadays?

Also- I'm calling this early...maybe because I find her very very appealing...

Robin in "How I met your mother"... I bet she's the mother.. he just substituted a name to throw his kids off...

theory put in place.

Birthday pics etc.

2007-02-14T20:36:00.000+11:00

Recent going out pics in Sydney- been quite a bit!

2007-02-02T23:41:00.000+11:00

Stupid Lana Lang

still with the 'bad' boy.

the zillionaire morally decrepit bald dude.

Bah.

Disposes of my dream that a full head of hair, reasonable (I'm far from perfect but still oh so sexy) and capable man can win the damsel in question.

It may be based on a comic book.....but Smallville can be oh so true.

2007-01-30T23:59:00.000+11:00

I was walking through a shopping centre in Ashfield on Ozzie day when I spotted my dream car.

Here it is:

Moral Compass

2007-01-30T23:54:00.000+11:00

I am so disgusted.

Why is it, the devious, conniving, opportunistic types always get the girl. The ones with the moral fibre of soup.

And then, the girl will additionally defend them. It is just painfully frustrating- and when you highlight it, the 'you don't know them like I do' etc and excuses.

Yes. I am talking about Lana Lang and Lex Luthor.

It makes my blood boil.

(I am currently catching up on season 5 of smallville)

Eeerrggghhh..

2007-01-22T20:37:00.000+11:00

Watching 'supernatural'....which is where I saw the word for fear of clowns.

Naturally, the show should be about freaky clowns. So I shouldn't be watching. Surely wouldn't be that dumb to watch a freaky show about something I know that freaks me out.

Surely.

but no. I am watching it.

WAAAAAAAAY FREAKY!!!

You know all that confront your fear stuff. Load of crap. All I am now is more eeried out.

2007-01-21T22:11:00.001+11:00

MIKE HUSSEY IS THE KING!!!!

2007-01-21T21:51:00.000+11:00

Coulrophobia- fear of clowns

I am not alone! It is a recognised phobia!

and my fear of balloons has a name too- globophobia..

been a tough week and had clocked up 40 hours by wednesday

Too much good viewing today and struggling to get work done! Victoria's secret thingo on now.. cricket on the other channel and Federer playing on another

I think I've fallen in love seven times already watching the Victoria's secret thing-

Aaaah....

2007-01-02T18:51:00.000+11:00

Evidence that the ozone layer is deteriorating: My face and arms.

Went to the cricket today and didn't really cop that much sun (previously, never really been burnt in Sydney) but now...

I am burnt. very very burnt. I look like Kramer in that epiosde where he fell asleep in a tanning bed burnt.

Look like such a fool and tomorrow is a work day...ooog.

Luckily, it's not as painful as it is stupid looking.

Batman works at night so he doesn't get sunburnt. I've figured it out.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T22:32:00.000+11:00

Happy new year to everybody....
Year has breezed by- and so much has changed, more than any other year.
Lots of changes .. new things learnt, old things rehashed, new stress, old stress, new friends, old friends.

Mooshy over reflective stuff.

But- here's with the new years resolutions so I can look back this time next year and do more mooshy reflecting...

1. Be happy with less but still want more.
2. Take care of my health
3. Grasp opportunities and not be so passive
4. Watch more movies
5. Live in the present reality and not harp about the past
6. Invent time machine
7. Keep Batcave tidy
8. Be less delusional
9. Call my mum and dad more often
10. Be thankful

I'm going to try and keep things simple where I can - cos clutter and self made stress has been bothersome in the past.

2006-12-10T21:04:00.000+11:00

Lost my bag a week ago.

Left it at a bar and someone walked off wit it - most grossly, with my dirty laundry.

But so ends an era with my man-bag.

It all began... in 2004... or was it late 2003. At that time, non business leather goods were restricted to saddles and those leather pouches that asian business men oh so like...... but as I strolled through the store that day, I felt an attachment. It wasn't a romantic feeling, like when you see a great shirt, pair of shoes or jacket. But.. more like good company.

And so we were good friends, a companion by my hip, shouldering a load while I shouldered its load. Travelling with me to and fro from work....

Well- there was a fair bit of sentimental value there after having it around for three years, but it does give me a great excuse to get a new one.

monday

2006-12-04T22:51:00.000+11:00

Nip n Tuck is a pretty awesome show.

darkness disguised in superficial light.

..... then there is Rhona Mitra.

Huwumbawumba. blerbleerrrebbbeerrbb.

and then the episode gets better. You'd never think it. But it did.

And now I hate Julian McMahon even more.

Which is strange because you tend to hate things in others that you want in your own life.

back to the hypocrisy.

I'll be honest.

i want to be Julian McMahon. or even his left toe. that probably gets more daylight than I'm getting!

december

2006-12-03T21:42:00.000+11:00

Year is almost over. Bloomin eck. Feels like it just started.

Kinda tired though... and before the new year gets here, I resolve not to make any resolutions because I never keep them. So in which case, I'll get all caught up on a thought over a few drinks, all swept up with how time is slippin' by and I'm still not this and not that but I want to be that but not this and wish I wasn't whining about my whining and in my drunken whinge, I'll make a resolution.

Quite hypocritical actually. And cyclical. Cyclical hypocrisy.

..and then...there's the reflection. Yes- of what went right, what went wrong, and what went horribly wrong.....and what is still going horribly wrong ...and what really isn't too bad.

But in saying that, probably the most significant year of my life I have to say.

Think next year is all about risk management and risk assesment.

ROCK STAR!!!

2006-11-14T22:08:00.000+11:00

Went to the U2 concert on Friday.... whichhhhh... inspired me to buy a guitar.... but not any guitar.. the guitar of legends.... a Fender Stratocaster.... yes... not and american (which will come in later years) but a mex, but still... it is a beautiful piece of woodwork and I'm learning make it scream now...

Melbourne Cup

2006-11-08T20:56:00.000+11:00

Stupid Melbourne Cup. Lost 60 bucks. Well, it was 80. Then I put another tenner on and won twenty bucks. Stupid horses.

But I did win a bottle of Moet at work in the office sweeps though.

2006-10-30T21:01:00.000+11:00

Life is strange.

Lots of why's.

Like why do medical dramas always have acoustic guitar jeff buckley like music.

Why do TV shows lead you on with a few bits of eloquent dialogue, you feel as if someone knows you..

but it's that we're all pretty much the same....Predictable. Guess that's why after a few hours of ads bombarding me, I go out and buy something.

stupid grey's anatomy- just reminded me why I don't have a dog.

and now... lines/situations that trigger where I was once upon a time.

Except that my situation didn't end up humpity bumpity.

Maybe TV isn't that true to life.

Sunday TV

2006-10-29T21:05:00.000+11:00

Catherine Bell in Bruce Almighty is so hoooooooooottttttttt!!!

Bruce should've just done a Brad PItt and ditched Jennifer too. But it's a pretty sweet movie- touchy feeley chicky like but it's that time on Sunday for me.

another thought -watching the Aria's and The Veronica's are strange pixie creatures..... I reckon a great matchup would be mud wrestling match between them and the Olsen twins.

Here comes Monday again- work- but with one hour less.

The year has whizzed through again. Two more months till it ticks over into 2007.

Have to say- it's the strangest year ever. Been up, been very down, been very up, then even more down. Roller coaster like. I never liked roller coasters. Or joyrides. Or clowns. Or balloons. Especially clowns with balloons. It's almost a year when the 'ride' kinda started... but still feeling nausea from it.

When Harry met Sally is on now - Billy Crystal with hair... Meg Ryan looking really fresh and chirpy. And in a cardigan and big shorts. But high socks. Socks. High socks are always good. She looks like that chick that was in Clueless and then lost heaps of weight and ended up as the skanky hoe in that Eminem movie.

The very quoted line 'Men and Women can't be friends'.... 'cos sex always gets in the way'.

Women don't want to believe this- but it's not about them- as long as one party thinks that.. well.. makes the comment true doesn't it?

Ciggie then bed.

Home

2006-10-23T19:33:00.000+10:00

I got home before 7 today. One of the few times in the past few months. And one of the most shocking things I discovered.. is I didn't recognise a SINGLE character while I was watching neighbours

And let's not even start on home and away...

Quicknote

2006-10-16T20:17:00.000+10:00

I got a sms today saying "You are so pretty"

I guess I am quite aesthetically pleasing but, heck, I was blushing, swooning bashfully and also giggled after that.

Too bad it was a wrong number

Injun Cookin

2006-10-15T21:58:00.000+10:00

Had a go at cooking an "authentic" indian meal- ie.. no bottled ingredients... only 'basic' spices (garam masala and curry powder is too much effort to make so I consider them fundamental spices). Made my first dhal... a beef vindaloo (which.. I now know is originally a Goan dish) and a curry (which had no curry powder- just tumeric, chilli, cardamon pods, cinamon, tomato and yoghurt). I lie- there were papadums. I don't think I'll roll out papadums myself- that would be a bit too labourious.

From all accounts, it was good- and no intestinal turbulence reported by those party to my food. Then we settled down to play some cards- for booze- and ended up incorporating the good ole 'coins' rules of three wins in a row and you get to make a 'rule'. Seeing that Liong had decided on the outset to be whingy whiny woman wally - he 'convinced' us all to sculpt rules to his detriment. The first rule I made was that he had to be polite and nice to me else drink up. The next rule, was that he had to drink with his left hand- which is pretty cool when he insults you then starts to drink with his right hand. The next rule made was that he had to drink everytime he played five cards at a go. And the crowining glory of rules for the night was that he had to curtsy everytime he played a "2". So we had a very polite, left handed drinking curtsy boy. And the frustration etched on his face could have carved Mount Rushmore.

Was a fun night till I realised I was trashed and had to find my bed. Ooogah.

On a course for the next three days- gotta learn to juggle work, course (which is a work enforced thing) and sanity. Sanity is a little over rated I guess.

Watched last week's Grey's anatomy- great episode- lot's of poignant themes, getting to the 'truth' of the human condition. Particularly like the damaged/scared lines- I'm a sucker for great lines. Unfortunately, I don't think my life has such great lines. There was a part where Meredith delivers her 'position' to McDreamy with lines like 'you don't get to call me a whore anymore cos you're the one that chose' etc etc. Being a fully grown boy... my comeback would have been.."...uhhh.. you are.." or "ok... slut." Something far less heavy. Or when Chris O'Donnell hears her little "I have slept with *blah* etc etc" and he comes back with his couple of lines of how 'scared and damaged' he is too. Faced with a girl telling me how many men she's slept with of late and strange things she's done, I would be very quick to judge and the best line would be a very long "Oooookay... ehhh.. I've gotta .. wash my hair now and then join a pilgramage to As-far-away-from-you-as-possible and after that maybe settle down in Somewhere-that-you'll-never-find-me.

I think that's the new theme in so much viewing- that we're not that different and that a lot of us are broken, and looking to fix something in us that hurts, squirms, cringes or twitches under the stark light of day. And I've been privy to some lame situations where people try to justify their guilt by projecting an image, or an attitude onto others or onto their lifestyle without just taking some time out to examine their motivations. I mean- I do it too. We overwork ourselves because we think money and status will fill that hollow. We all know better than that. But we figure, if we try to outrun our conscience and our spirit, coat it with hustle and bustle that we won't have time to worry or feel empty.

Music and food helps me lose myself- the creative function.. and I find time seems to standstill even though it is sheeting off and before I know it, the day runs to a close and I feel like I've taken a really full deep breath as opposed to my usual work days where sometimes it feels like I'm standing on one foot and holding a live tuna on tightrope hiding from the big bad wolf, careful not to exhale too loudly and give my position away.

The lunacy of it all is that while there is choice, I can't bring myself to choose because I might just be absolutely wrong about everything and lose a grip on those engrained dogmas and expectations that have brought me here no matter how misguided they may be.

An Apple a Day makes ..... something.. or the rather..

2006-10-08T17:04:00.000+10:00

I am the proud owner of a Mac. A MacBook. I am now an Apple Aficionado, in contrast to my previous incarnantion of PC Pleb. Yes, there is a cosmetic appeal regarding the apple. Moreso, the fact that I won't have to keep updating virus scanners and the like. They did say that Mac's don't crash... but I beg to differ. Got the 'rainbow wheel of death' already.. which is a different but equally annoying experience to the old Windows crash. Currently watching Paul Mercurio presenting some seafood special. Octopus salad with hommus, roasted cherry/grape/puny tomatoes and some zesty looking dressing. Looks good. I'm finally taking advantage of living near the fish markets by actually buying fish and other seafood. Made myself lunch today using this marinara mix they have (it's not the frozen crap- fresh off cuts). Squid ink linguette with chilli, paprika, the marinara, smatter of diced tomato fine dice of carrot... very happy with the result.

Mercurio just made a minestrone. Interesting. I shall try it. And now he's doing something with a King Crab. I can't afford that.

I've been making asian food mostly though- probably a product of missing mum's food. Tonight... kiam chye stew, tom yum soup, sambal asparagus with fried tofu, and pandan/tumeric chicken. I've become such a chink when it comes to food. I have cravings for oriental food.

Got nothin much going on currently- apart from the Eagles winning.. it's been a pretty work-centric couple of weeks. I turned 30 last week, but it's kinda slipped by without much pomp and circumstance. Was soooo busy at work and I'm still looking to organise something.. but I dunno. When I can rip Ian-time out of the space-time continuum.

This computer is cool though.. tells me what the weather is and stuff.. though with the window open... the forecast is cold.

wowsers

2006-10-02T00:41:00.000+10:00

It's been nearly a month in between posts.... been blindingly busy.

but in the meantime.. it's the long weekend and it's been great. The West Coast Eagles won. Had two good bbq's at my place and today is still a holiday.. Labour day.

Hopefully work isn't as crazy...

Circus

2006-09-09T11:48:00.000+10:00

Went to Cirque du Soleil last night.. first time.

Pretty awesome stuff.... but now I believe I need to go out with a gymnast.. for reasons that are pretty shallow.

Weather is horrible outside.... but going to watch the footy at a mates place.

Go them eagles. Go go go!

Enneagram

2006-09-05T19:25:00.000+10:00

Had the second session of a work organised 'development' course. The course is aimed to highlight greater self awareness of our personality, our motivations, triggers to our behavior. I guess the first thing I have taken away from it is the fact that work actually insists that we go on this course. The material isn't geared directly at making us more efficient workers (as certain 'types' are probably more able to perform well) but more to leave us with a lasting impression of the what, who and why's of life.

Given that I have been very interested in this sort of stuff, I have been very keen to learn more. There are 9 basic types, all points on the enneagram... which is too difficult for me to illustrate given my poor skills in html and probably easier if you google it.

Developing self awareness, of why we do things.. such as the ole 'that's just me and you either like me or not'... that's just not good enough. Odds are, you don't like yourself.. and you get an indication of how many things we do out of fear or a 'dream' that when we get there, it'll make us happy. Which is definitely not the case. We're so obsessed with ticking off the boxes- good education, good job, six figure salary at least, beautiful wife, kids, million dollar portfolio.. stuff like that.... but when it comes down to it... I know personally that it won't make me satisfied. And you'd be surprised how many people are screwed up at so many levels. The scariest thing is, we all pride ourselves as individuals....or normal.. or driven.... when we are all motivated by the things we strive so hard to insist that we are not. So many of us live life as a paradox... the person that seems driven, confident and goal orientated... a 'success'.... actually thinks they are a failure and is so afraid of failing that they push themselves to beat that. The individual who doesn't give what everyone thinks and 'marches to the beat of their own drum' needs acknowledgement of their efforts to value it.... and so on. There are so many contradictions.... what we say we don't want is actually what we mechanically get ourselves into etc.

I say I want an independent partner, strong, independent etc. But I realise that I gravitate to girls that seem 'needy' all the time. So is it a case of repeated bad luck and it's not my fault or am I subconsciously attracted to that sort... despite me insisting otherwise and that I 'just want to be happy'?

I am a judgemental person.. and the scariest thing to admit sometimes, is that I pass judgement on issues that I myself am afraid to admit I have either a fear of, or it is something I want. Call it envy, or a passive way of self loathing... but it happens and I know applies to me.

Some people are more 'evolved' than this and are able to be courageous enough to deal with it in the appropriate way. That's the current direction I'm looking at... increased self awareness and correcting some of the knee jerk reactions I have to situations that are created from fear and selfishness.

Finally have time

2006-09-01T23:06:00.000+10:00

I have some time to write a post.

It's pretty late... and I've had the oppoturtunity to slap my corporate card a little but not to the same effect of the last time (which is a lot less stress). That sounded seedy. But, after reading the remarks from my last coupla posts... I gotta say this.

Who cares.

Went to a 'leadership' work course thing... and it became more of a 'let's psychoanalyse each other' session.. which is the end result. But what you do realise... despite making money, having stuff, a beautiful wife, kids, a million dollar bonus/house/portfolio... people in general are screwed up. Not all.. but I'd say 99.99%. Fact is... if you break down motivations, excuses, self serving, all that jazz.... not many of us can walk away 'clean'. Some of us rationalise and justify what we do... does it really make us happy... or is it a case of just delusional grandeur. I do... whenever push comes to shove... I go for the ego..."I'm better than that and it's because I am blah blah blah". Thing is, this only appears when I'm triggered with something that irks me. So that's not a realistic representation.

While I do believe I have 'natural' abilities that set me apart from the rest.. what I don't have is comfort. I question my motivations... who I hang out with.. who I am nice to, why am I nice to them.. why I work.. why I work certain number of hours... when will I be 'satisfied' . A few years ago, if I was told that I'd make six figures... I'd be happy. Not that I am(cos that's private!)... but it doesn't seem like that much at all. And that's the problem. The bar keeps adjusting... and when I make $X, I'll want $X+ Y, and then when I make $X+Y, I'll want $X+Y+Z. So... when do you stop... when does chasing this one measure of 'success' end? It ends when you stop it being a measure. When you no longer look to ticking boxes off. When you realise that 'success' isn't gauged by money (though it is important, plus cool if I can afford fancy shieeet), but more a realisation.

I often question things... am I the way I am because it IS me... or am I the way I am because it's what I WANT people to believe is me..... or am I the way I am because I WANT people to believe that is me so they like me... or am I the way I am because I want to be able to thumb my noses at the people who AREN'T the way I am.

'Nice' is boring. But only because uncertainty is exciting and puts you on edge. Nothing wrong with nice really.... but unfortunately... we are mostly motivated by fear and the unknown. Why else do we 'strive' for more when we can't quantify 'more'. It's because we're afraid and we'd do anything to live our lives according to what others seem to smile and boast about.

It's a little bit neurotic.. but we're not that different. We're all pretty predictable.. being human and all. And we're in a generation where we expect things at our finger tips... and we don't spend enough time focussed on underlying aspects of who we are, and why we are.

Pondering

2006-08-17T23:01:00.000+10:00

Me mate WM was talking about his birthday theme last night... that being Schoolies...

so he asked his roomate ding.. "What you gonna wear?"

he replied:

"I think I may be suspended that day.."

Was also watching NCIS yesterday.....

it's an interesting show.. strange quirky cast...

but the one thing that seems to come to mind is this...

during the autopsy scenes...

apparently shinning a bright light... ALWAYS makes genitals dissapear.

strange.

Sunday #1515

2006-08-13T22:22:00.000+10:00

I think it's about the 1515th sunday I've lived through.

Had lunch with my mum's best friend today. It's been 9 years since I last saw her.. almost didn't recognise her.

Last time she saw me, I guess I was a bit of a mess... not that I wasn't not so long ago. But it was nice to catch up and finally speak like an adult and be more articulate. She did remark that she was so happy to see me make it now and that I wasn't in the wilderness anymore. I'm not too sure about that.. I still feel a little out of sorts at times, but I guess I've had a really lucky run in the last few months with regard to getting a job that has a direction, and that I can see a future. She said she was proud of me and that my parents would be thinking that too.

But I'm just starting- and I really don't feel anything yet, given I'm still on probation to begin.. and that it's so early on. I guess I also have very different expectations of myself. I'm a late bloomer (that sounds terrible but I mean it in a vocational/educational sense)... and I'm getting comfortable with that. Used to walk around with a chip on my shoulder and I guess, and this is my laymans psychology, that was part of the reason why I went to the gym so much. It was something I was good at when other things weren't, and I saw results quickly and it was part of me physically and the image I had (hence the whole 'Gonza' thing). Maybe it was just a recognition thing that was immediate.. and a place where I got kudos and respect from other gym rats. While my academic life was crumbling and I put forth excuse after excuse, I could always rely on the gym and results.

I haven't been to the gym in six months... about 4 times in 9 and it's a weird journey I'm going through this year... a bit like getting myself back to square one... which was a long time ago before I got mixed up and distracted with a stupid sense of entitlement. Was watching a movie last night and one of the more corny dramatic statements was to the effect that it didn't matter what I am/you are on the inside.... it is what you actually do that tells the story. I guess loads of people hide behind the 'they're a good person on the inside'. Doesn't really matter if they keep doing stupid things.. results speak volumes. And hence, it doesn't matter how much I believed I could do, or how much potential people thought I had/have. I really need to get it done.

Good guys bad guy

2006-08-12T11:11:00.000+10:00

Waiting around for a call back to get a lift to see Mengy off today. He's leaving to Perth to set up something new and I wish him well.

But loitering gets me thinking....

The whole "nice guys finish last" thing has popped up in my head again. I'm not saying I'm nice.. I have my streaks... but it is pretty true with girls ... nice just doesn't do it. Whatever any of them reckon.

It's the guys that can treat a girl like a one night stand or like an object, that can turn on the charm and the ballsiness to get things done. And chicks dig it...no matter how much they deny it. They mistake this for confidence... it's just arrogance alot of the time. I can handle seeing a girl that I've been interested in go to the highest bidder (sounds awful but hear me out).. meaning that he's got some cred and substance. What I can't stand is that an 'exciting' dude, with a brick for a brain and lousy shoes (I am VERY big on this) getting a chick. It is Darwinian in the respect that if a girl is dumb enough to get picked up by something like that.. whatever... they can breed themselves into the intellectual slums.

But the nett result is I am still standing there drinking the lonely cola while the stereotypical bastard gets the girl, I watch him be sweet in the foreground, and I also see him being a dirty as cheater or slimeball in the background because that's where guys have access and girls don't.

Then again, maybe I just like the wrong girls or immature ones or shallow ones or confused ones.

I was told once that nice guys didn't... believed it for a while... but I should have known better I guess. They do and nobody has disputed my situation. I just get apologies from ex's a few months/years later or wishful thinking like "I should have gone out with you because you were so nice.. but I didn't feel you were 'macho' or 'bad' enough.".. copped that a bit. Maybe they see it as the soft way out... but I think it takes more to stick to your guns and not end up a hypocrite.

Enough whinging. It's not even lunch time.

Mystery Caller

2006-08-12T10:45:00.000+10:00

Almost forgot.

Last Sunday, while feeling wretched from the night before for various reasons, I got this call.."private number". It went something like this:

Me: "Uhh .. hello.."
Caller: "Hey."
Me: "yeah hi..sorry.. who's this?"
Caller: "You know who this is."
Me: "Eh...?"
Caller: "Don't pretend you bastard."
Me: "?????"
Caller: "You're a bastard... pretending you don't know who this is.."
Me: "okaaaaaay..."
Caller: " I'm not just one of your fuckin' one night stands!"
Me: (If I had one... I'd probably have blogged it by now!)
Caller:"You bastard... you *bleeping yabba dabba doo* asshole.. don't pretend!"
Me: "Orrriiiiggght..."
Caller: "I'm pregnant. Orright. And I'm going to have the baby. I don't give a f*ck what you think. I'm going to have it."
Me: (thinking about last night but wasn't that drunk)
Caller: "I'm only 15. I'm going to get you for statutory rape!"
Me thinking that 15 year olds can't usually pronounce that.
Caller: "You prick. I'm going to get you arrested. I'm going to get my cousins and brothers to get you."
Me: "okay.. you gooooo do that.."
Caller: "You asshole... I don't believe you are such an asshole."
Me: "okay... bye now!"
Caller: "Hmpph."

Either it was a prank call (which I think it was) or someone out there is really in alot of trouble.

Sleepy

2006-08-09T22:25:00.000+10:00

I'm tired. Work has been in bursts but its still tiring. You tend to get remunerated for how much work you put in.. so I'm actually wondering how hard my clients work given that they earn buckets of money. I know a mate works pretty damned hard, but that's basically a one man show. But these guys have such fancy offices. Maybe in a few years I'll explore that option if they'll have me.

I do want to do more charity work though. Some folk at work do things through a foundation programme they have helping kids from tougher backgrounds. I reckon it's a good way to go. Maybe when I actually know my stuff better, I'll put my hand up.. there's a mentoring programme. Don't know how someone I'm mentoring will turn out though and I'm not feeling like I want to be responsible for the next Charles Manson given that I'm not the most stable creature on earth to begin with. But.. what's life without trying... I've always placed some emphasis on timing these things... but opportunities to help or to make a difference aren't up to you sometimes.. it's situation specific and I don't think I should be so selfish to dictate that.... what's some effort to make someone smile or feel appreciated... it's worth it. Used to think that I'd follow a linear progression.. high school..uni..job.. relationship.. marriage... kids.. family.. then help.

Doesn't work that way. It doesn't have to go that way because someone else wrote those rules.. or it's the norm. Want to do something now... even if it's tipping a cabbie who's had a tough day... handing out some coins to a dude that looks a little less fortunate... or something else.

About time.

Annoyed. Again.

2006-08-08T21:46:00.000+10:00

I guess I've realised I'm gullible. And probably too trusting. I've been lucky for the most.. but I had an ugly experience on Sat night with someone I thought was a friend, but I guess, he was more of a hi bye acquaintance. Stupid seedy dirty unloyal selfish pervert. Hope he gets hit by two buses and then maybe a train.

Guess I don't care that much, and it was more of an irritation. Besides, all his friends apart from maybe one are the same- cheating, lying, drug addled idiots.

Guess I'm growing more patient on one front (with myself) and more impatient on the other (general selfish and dumb ass behavior of others). I find I relate to fewer folk.. but mostly those that don't take themselves so seriously when we're hanging out... but still can turn it on at work.

Self made and real people- not the sort that have unfounded expectations of grandeur, or those with brattish backgrounds and rich daddies and believe they're there because of their own works. I know guys with family wealth that have resisted the easy path and I respect them even more that they have tried to make it on their own. It's a testament to their character. Not sure if I would have done the same. I know guys that play down their achievements even though they are on the way to becoming massively wealthy. And I know the opposites that tout their own ability and arrogance because they got a six figure allowance to play with safe investments and made some money because of a bullish market. Great thing is, the self made guys are making buckets more than the boys with toys. It's almost too common. But I guess they don't get my respect if that counts for something.

Enough of my grumbling. I'll find a happier post soon.

2006-08-05T18:49:00.000+10:00

waiting waiting waiting

I'm one impatient freak.

Hate waiting.

two hours away from going out and i'm sitting here getting anxious cos I'm waiting.

tonight is kar meng's farewell.. should be good fun provided everyone gets into Redroom. There's a real twat of a bouncer there... thinks he's some gangsta and has really bad fashion sense... but comments on everyones fashion sense!

Finally used this saffron fettucine I bought ages ago.. I think it's giving me a gutt ache.

be back tomorrow to detail how the night went!

tired.d.d.d.d.d.d..

2006-07-30T10:14:00.000+10:00

Been a busy and stressful coupla weeks.

But the highlight was a meal down at the Opera House.. Guillammes at Bennelong. Noice.

Was a pretty tiring last Friday... well.. sorta...

Had lunch at Bennelong for 4 hours... then went back to work and had some more food there... then went out for a few drinks... then more drinks... then to Hungry Jacks.. then to Brooklyn....then to some birthday party of a friends younger sister.
Bennelong, Booze, Burgers,Brooklyn, Birthday...
Seemed like the letter of the day was "B".

The birthday was Boring to Begin, then after some more Booze, it Became a little more pleasant. Yes.... having too much fun with the letter "b" still.

I did shake my Booty and made 70 Bucks though.

It involved removing my Belt.

yes... I'm a Big idiot.

hohoho

it's a saturday...

2006-07-22T19:21:00.000+10:00

I bought my first tux today. Not that I have anything to wear it to right now anyway. I have been mocked a bit already... I think it's just tux envy.

But.. eventually... when I do acquire my castle.. I will be dressed for the occassion. Mock me now.. but who will be the fool.. when everyone is in black tie, while hob nobbing with dignatories and ladies, swirling brandy and using lots of *ahems* in conversation... and you will be dressed in peasant garb. The women will SWOOOON at the sight of dapper Gonza... bow tie and all....

Meanwhile...played ball today.. and I'm pretty darned sore.
but before that.. here's a summary of events.. mundane to some.. but its the sort of day that makes me feel good

I woke up early.. got outta the house and went to work around 8am... looked in the mirror and realised my hair was just going beserk and I was looking rather feral ....so.. and this is usually impossible.. I call up my hairdresser and LUCKY ME gets a booking at 945. normally.. I've had to wait till 11 on a sat if I call this late. ....so I wander down to Pitt street mall... a little dazed and sleepy still .....
realise.. Hrmmm... despite my boyish good looks.. I doubt they'll give me my hair cut for free.. better get some cash from the machine .....so I wander downstairs and this chirpy girl dressed in green asks me if I want some free flouro light globes ....some energy saving promo ....I go cool! then they ask me if I have proof of address.. and my heart sinks cos I really wanted free stuff. ....cos I have a WA license still .....then... I realise that I have my PHONE bill in my pocket... and so I whip it out and get my six free globes!!! then.. feeling rather happy.. I wander up to the mall and browse some stores before my hair cut.
walk into morrissey.. and look at the sale rack. hrm.. jacket.. no pants.. forget it. Pants.. no jacket.. crap. hrmm... 99 bucks... for EVERYTHING??

so I promise the store dude that I SHALL RETURN after my hair cut

wander down to Toni and Guy.. and stroll through... feeling a little ashamed about the mess on my head.

I get seated by the gay wash boy that washed my hair the last time (his hands were very strong though) ....and to my surprise.. I got this cutie of a wash girl instead.....so I sat there enjoying leg shaking goodness again without the fear of gay wash boy licking his lips behind me.. then.. got my usual hairdresser... he could probably screw my hair up.. but he's great to chat to.

post haircut.. wander back into the mall... now... from experience.. and I know you should realise this too... post sale-sale racks.. usually very starved for sizes

so.. the shop assistant comes along... a 'mature' woman...(she's been in the sun too long).. but still very attractive and showing.. ahem... some cleavage... so I am at the very least... happy to be there ....
she plucks a 40 jacket.. I say.. I don't think so.. the gay shop assistant agrees and says it'll be too big.
i try it on... and it is...my heart sinks
she wades through the rack.. and pulls out a 38... I AM SAVED!

I try it on and it fits magnificently............but the moment of truth beckons.
the pants.

the pants.
cos pants sell better than jackets.. and they go by themselves sometimes.
38"
drats
36"
maybe it isn't my destiny
40"
I am about to motion to the door...when 32"!!!!!
:
I grab them quickly.. my palms moist with enthusiasm and dart off to the changerooms

I kick my shoes off... losing a sock in the process peel my overly skin tight jeans off .....up the legs the pants go... and then.. click.. perfect.

I wander out, obviously feeling very smug.
I pay for it, feeling very very loose in the shoulders...

I laugh.. and wave...

... and now.. I am a proud TUXEDO owner...

.....the end.....

(the above was an excerpt from a conversation on msn btw... hence the splintered nature.. but a true reflection of events. Names may have been changed to protect the identities of some parties).

Blogging 101

2006-07-18T19:15:00.000+10:00

I guess it's an obvious title seeing that after turning the century.. the natural thing is to use a catchy and over used cliche as my next blog title.

Had a conference call yesterday between London, Hong Kong and me in Sydney. Lawyers from Freshfields (UK)and Clifford Chance (HK) were calling me to discuss something very current and in the media recently. Had been peppered overnight with messages about the issue. Finally, we agreed to a call.

The issue....

.....what does the "S" on Superman's chest stand for.

Yes.. an insolvency lawyer and a MA lawyer ... were debating where and how he came to have the "S". The obvious answer is... S stands for Superman. But somehow, that's just too corny and not fashionable anymore. So Mr Vlam refused to accept that. Gav, on the otherhand (possibly the first green lawyer- and I don't mean he's enviromentally savvy) could deal with the simple take, having greater experience with the tale.

Thanks to the power of Wikepedia, we did finally find that I was correct.. though there has been a departure to a more romanticised version.. where the "S" symbol is a Kryptonian symbol.

Looks like a friggin' S to me.

I do know too much about comics however. If only they had taught maths or economics or something actually useful in comic book form... I'd probably have done very well academically.

The Century

2006-07-14T21:44:00.000+10:00

This is my hundredth post on blogspot. Maybe something to celebrate.. but I think it signifies that I've had too much time on my hands.

I know that I probably wasn't the most sound of mind when I began posting my stuff here.... and I now KNOW I am not still sound of mind.... Buttttttt... as things go... I've come to be accustomed to fundamental level of insanity. Some call me delusional. Some reckon I'll be the first to go postal out of my circle of friends. Some reckon I should just get out there and meet some new folk. Some reckon I should just get laid.

I figure... at the end of the day... for me anyway... *it rhymes*.... it's about doing things my way. But what my way is a condensation of what my friends say, what I read, and then what I feel... and it comes into this blob of thought. I can be convinced my way isn't the right way despite being a pretty stubborn person by nature. Things have not always been clear.. and I react with a little bit of bizarreness especially given stressful situations... . I think some crazy shit then.

But the underlying rule that I hope I keep... though I know there are flaws here and there... is that when I'm searching for who, what, and how... I don't hurt anyone in the process.

There are enough people out there screwin' people over, and enough natural disasters to boot as well... to keep us all busy. So why contribute to the nett disturbance? It's just a selfish escapade then... and I have been guilty of it but I'm going to try not to.

Life (what a corny start) throws you enough weird ones... difficult situations... Difficult people.. Difficult problems..

So think a little and be patient.... and avoid creating unnecessary hurt and stupidity... It's something I didn't crystallize before but all I have to do is watch ACA or Today Tonight to realize that there are heaps of screwed up people and problems out there.. some deserved... some not...

I just don't want to add to that pot.. cos it's always overflowing and I don't want to be common and add to that. There.. my monthly "Who am I?" post.

Now... back to trying to get a castle. That's an earnest and worthwhile cause I believe.

More Castle Talk

2006-07-08T14:54:00.000+10:00

I have been in further discussions about castle acquisition. The deeper I delve into this, the more details surface. For example, you need a crest. A family crest is nice but as far as I know, I don't have one in the family. So I may have to marry someone with a family crest.

The will have to be ceremonies where we knight each other.... and all the members of the syndicate will have to have a title. Sir concealed comes to mind. Not very regal. But seeing that real swords are expensive, large, heavy, sharp and really dangerous, I think we'll use a butter knife. A knighting shouldn't end up as a beheading. That's for traitors to the kingdom.

Given that there have been such diverse styles of ruling a kingdom, I believe that each of the syndicate members will be able to find their own niche in the castle owning world. One friend likes the idea of drinking from a goblet... me personally, I like a tankards. Crowns will be essential, but whether I go for the simple or the pompous English monarch style (I'm sure there are real names for these different styles of regal headwear but I'm too lazy to research... currently).
I'm starting to turn away from the man in the iron mask idea and I'm more leaning towards the damsel/princess stuck in a tower. Seem far more chivalrous to rescue someone hot than to free a bucket head. Finding a dragon to slay could be tough too. But I figure and ogre or two will suffice.

I figure as we draw closer, there will be a few bridges to cross (hee hee.. I got to throw in a drawbridge pun!) and I will discover greater granularity.

Herrrmmm.

2006-07-02T22:37:00.000+10:00

Castle ownership. Now, it used to be a dream of lowly knaves, to rise, perhaps conquer through valiant acts or just reward for fighting in the name of the kingdom. Or you were born into it. Some people would cross borders to get into the castle property game using whatever resources they had be it hot oil, armies, battering rams, wizards.. you name it.. they did it.

It's a bit difficult nowadays, with valor being out fashion and a shortage of swords stuck in stones to get yourself a throne in the traditional way. But thanks to the differences in living standards and a solid currency, castle ownership for a simple Asian Australian like myself isn't really an impossibility anymore. I have been informed recently, that you can pick one up in various Eastern European bloc nations for a reasonable price. Cheaper than Sydney property, which is frankly, unreasonable.

So, the plan is, in a few years/months, I get myself a castle. Or be part of a castle syndicate. That saying that every man's home is his castle, will take on a new meaning. My home, wouldn't be my castle, cos my castle, would be a few thousand miles away and I'll only see it once a year if I'm lucky while I'm working myself stupid paying for it living in my home which isn't my castle literally but I at least could still say with absolute conviction that I had a castle without it being my primary residence.

Other details involved in castle ownership- I need serfs, knaves, serving wenches, someone trapped in the the tower in an iron mask.... people to tend to the daily operation and character of a castle. And then, I'll need a throne. Possibly a very luxurious coat or cape.. definitely a crown and most likely a scepter. I'll include in a later post the cost of castle up keep.

Yes.. some of you may think this is basically a stupid idea. I know I know... if I'm part of a syndicate, then I really don't own a castle.. just a time share castle. But.. nothing is perfect, but this is good enough for me... and I'll be more than happy just to have, that little piece of the castle ownership experience.

Wonder if they have any with a moat. I'd have to get a drawbridge then too....

Financial Year End Done

2006-07-01T22:25:00.000+10:00

Had an interesting day at work on Friday. Was going through the motions of my first deal being funded. I discovered that when squillions of dollars are on the line, people can either be very calm... or very irritating. I got 'beaten' up by a client. He went from chirpy to slightly anxious to nagging to unbearably psycho very very quickly.

But I guess I've developed a thicker skin, and didn't really get that stressed about it. I was missing a farewell lunch for one of my directors though as a result. So I finally get told to go to lunch at nearly 3. Wasn't very good food despite it being an expensive joint. Then I was told to christen my corporate card.. and boy did it get christened by everyone else from work that filtered down. Not looking forward to explaining on monday, but should be ok given that everyone else was using it more than me.

Heres to working harder till years end. And doing my tax return. I need some money back!!!

Concentrating

2006-06-26T23:00:00.000+10:00

I don't think I've concentrated and read so much in the past few weeks as I have in the past few years. Guess it comes down to doing something you enjoy and where you can see a future.

Probably always been 'lazy' whenever it came to things I either didn't care about or see the point.. fundamental to my nature. But, I've been doing what I've said I would do, and that is, putting the time in, and hopefully beginning to learn faster to be able to contribute. 12 hour days seem to be the norm, but I'm not minding it right now cos the stuff is mostly interesting. But at the same time, there's stuff nobody really likes but that's part of the gig. Best part is, I can see a future. It is about the challenge at some levels, but it's also about doing something that you can see your personal abilities come to the fore. Not saying that I have any real indication yet, but I have an interest.. and usually that makes me work harder and as things go, I haven't done badly at most things that I have put some effort into. Always a few exceptions, but hopefully this isn't one of 'em. Downside is, almost everything is confidential so I can't kick in the incessant chatter part of my personality.. but again, good training not to bare my soul to every tom dick and harry.. a habit of mine. Either way.. in a few years who knows.. there's a chance to travel a bit hopefully.

But at the end of the day...no matter how interesting the stuff is.. if I'm not getting paid enough.. it's not going to be somewhere I stay. But things are good so far.. money and conditions as well as a CEO with the most disarming Scottish accent. Very excellent.

writing stuff down.

2006-06-12T22:10:00.000+10:00

My mate chris, visiting from singapore asked me if I liked 'weed'. I said no, cos it makes me paranoid and gave me a stupid case of the munchies.

It's like being lost in the middle of nowhere.... scared and hungry.

He does have a new habit though- that is, writing and documenting whatever he does. He reckons his memory isn't what it used to be. I think I'll start doing the same actually... makes good sense.. so I can look back later and recognise if I have been crazy/sane/eratic/irrational/a twerp over the years, as well as recording my life a little better.

goood idea chris!

sooooo frrreeeeezzzziiinnnngggg...!!!

2006-06-11T14:26:00.000+10:00

Man it's been cold and damp week. So cold that my bones hurt.

Was just thinking- chickens.... now that's a really lousy creature to be.

Firstly, you're flightless. Yes there are other birds out there that are flightless too- Emu's, ostriches, Dodo's(extinct but flightless). But at least, they're big ass creatures.... and in the case of emu's and ostriches, quick on the ground. Not grand, and statuesque associatioins. Think Eagles, you think soaring. You think Dove, you think peace. Think even vulture- you think predator and survivor.

Chickens try to fly.. they flap frustratedly when running and being chased.. a fruitless exercise(which is why I think they go nuts when storms, cyclones, tornadoes etc are imminent cos it's a chance finally to achieve flight). So the humble chicken, has no street cred as a bird, amongst other birds, cos they're small, slow, plump and flightless... and except for some pretty cockerals, they look pretty crap. But even as a cockeral, the claim to fame lies in cock fighting, where you're pitted against another chook to the death. You don't get pitted against any other bird. It's a tough life.

Then there's the humans. The most common poultry around and we've doctored their genetics, chucked them into small cages and manipulated them to the point where there isn't much of a lifestyle(ducks and geese get to waddle around the pen more)unless you're a free range animal. I've heard that some of our supermarket varieties are more like frankenchooks, having been engineered to the point where they are no longer 'animals', just living drumsticks. You're also associated with cowardice, you don't have a pretty sound(crowing is annoying, clucking is just not sexy or lyrical like cute chirping or other song birds).

So basically, its a tough life being a chicken.. you're cheap, people think you sound irritating and think you're just cowardly, not good looking, and now, they're blaming you for carrying disease too.

Even the most famous story associated with the bird, Chicken Little, characterises you as an irritating hypochondriac.

Anyone think of anything good about chickens(from their take)?

Dammmittt!

2006-06-07T15:11:00.000+10:00

Caught the flu. Missing out on free booze at a resort for work.

not happy.

not happy.

not happy.

First Week Done

2006-06-03T09:58:00.000+10:00

My first week at BOSI is done... pretty good stuff that I'm being exposed to actually. Hopefully it's not my youthful(laugh if you want but I'm still feeling 21)exuberance but things look good. More interesting, more driven folk and more mulah(very important!)..

It was punctuated with a Tuesday lunch with the Head of my division... ended with 3/4 bottle of white and a very red faced asian lad struggling to keep his head up after that. I did see James Packer at lunch... man he's a large man... and he does seriously look like Apocolypse(for comic book lovers).

And then it concluded with some drinks, nearly stacking it outside the building while walking off to the Loft while talking to my new Associate Director, as well as my first meal at Wagamama. Very very dissapointing. Shall never eat there again.

But hopefully I learn quickly and push ahead and get somewhere.. the opportunity to develop my career is very apparent and for once, I'm very hungry for it. Who knows, in a few years.. there's a chance to go abroad too within the group...

So it is...

2006-05-25T01:32:00.000+10:00

My last night in Perth. Been a great trip back home... but the realisation that I may never live here again is settling in. Career options just aren't available here for me. I do miss my parents and a few friends- but its something I have to do...despite me feeling selfish for it sometimes.

Things I have done this trip:

Eaten mum's cooking as much as possible.
spent time with my folks more than before
had a great conversation with my gran.
sorted out a few things such as my multiple phone contracts with my dad!
caught up with a few people I really wanted to catch up with
got Andrew's daughter Taylor comfortable with "uncle ian".
got comfortable with being called that.. man I'm old.
tried my best to show the people that have been great to me over the last few years that I am very grateful.
got my alterations done finally for a suit, jacket and shirt... after a year of meaning to!
abused a stupid waiter for charging me forty cents for extra chilli.
bought heaps of spice from Kakulas- there shall be indian grub at my house this winter- though I'm not sure what I shall do with the Zaatar... it just sounded real cool to buy.
acquired three pairs of shoes(finally getting a pair of basketball boots!)-all at 'bargain' prices.
got a bargain of a faux vintage jacket.
caught a glimpse through a great friend that not all girls are messed up.
From that same friend, that charity and a willingness to help strangers isn't just something you see on A Current Affair or in story books and that living a glam life doesn't have to change you to a spoilt brat.
realised that I should never drink and operate a computer.
Realised that people grow up and the details in their lives change- but because they have true character and are great friends, it's like the two years I've been away has been two hours.

There are probably more things that I have done this trip but it was never scripted so I had a few surprises here and there which has been great. Most of all, it's a new beginning given I start my new job on Monday- scary yet exciting and I'm eager to really materialise alot of the imagined potential.

And like I called it early this year in another post- it's a year of change and this year will really tell how the rest of my life is. I guess I've always had ambition. Just that circumstances have fallen my way this time round and I've tried harder.

strange timing

2006-05-21T19:29:00.000+10:00

It's been a pretty relaxed week so far in Perth... and only a few more days before I head back to Sydney. But it's been really awesome to see a few folk, given that I probably won't be coming back for a while again. And a few 'strange' things too.. weird.

Guess it's about new beginnings in a weeks time..

But its so awesome to have caught up with Anderw, Joseph and a few others and finally getting to meet Andrew's daughter. Some other friends that I get to see maybe once a year as well.... really quality people that have been amazingly generous to me. kinda makes the last few months seem worth it that I have the chance to take these two weeks off. Even had a great conversation with my granny..... really really interesting and found out a few things about my great gran etc.

I've always been a bit of a late bloomer- not so much academically but probably socially and with regard to getting motivated..even from the outset according to my granny. I had a thing for playing with pots and pans and the maids in the house had labelled me useless and said I wouldn't amount to much as I was too interested in helping out and *gasp* in the kitchen. But my great gran had her opinion of me while I was growing up- and apparently she wasn't worried about my initial lack of 'spark' that my sister and brother both demonstrated. She said there was something lucky about me but it'd only kick in later in life. I can't say I'm superstitious or anything.. but it's a nice story.. and I am a bit of a sentimental squash.

She had a very interesting life(and I've completed the round trip to Sydney where she was born) and I wish I could have learnt more about her while she was around. And I do, despite my grumbling, count myself as a very lucky person.

In Perth

2006-05-16T23:14:00.000+10:00

...and my mum and dad are cat-sitting for my sister. They''ve both started talking to the cat in baby voices. My dad sits in front of the telly with his prawn crackers and the cat approaches... each meow increasing with volume following the crunch of the crackers. My dad succumbs.. breaking off bits for this slinky psychopath to consume. The cat later makes strange strangled sounds and vomits.

My mum is singing to the cat while it sits on her lap, watching TV. That melody was once reserved for us.... her children. I glance, projecting darts of hatred at my furry successor. It sits on my chair, eyes gleaming through its sinister squint.

I sit in my usual spot, and she decides that a symbiotic relationship is what she wants... so she crawls up over a pillow I have placed to partition the sofa. My legs are perched over the pillow and she nestles in a position waaaaaay too close to my crotch. The relationship revolves around me providing warmth.. in exchange for the safety of my jewels from her claws. I dare not move. Eventually, I request that the feline fiend be removed as I am truly fearful that a callous dig with one of her claws will result in the destruction of my family line. The faces of my beautiful and talented children I would have sired flash across my mind. No....NO! Oliver would have become a great leader, carrying mankind into a golden age of thought and vision. Genevieve despite having many suitors would chose to live her life championing the weak and helpless with her stoic grace and beauty. Spencer and Monty would co-write a paper revolutionizing economics. All this, on the line, while this purring assassin loiters on my loins. I am left in rigor with fear.

Eventually, the cat is extricated. My unborn children and myself breathe a collective sigh.

oh yes...

2006-05-10T20:16:00.001+10:00

....after an absence of a few months...

...MY MULLET IS BACK!!!

check this out!

2006-05-10T18:39:00.000+10:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2AQjjZp6Jk&search=Lebron%20James

Bored. Bored. Bored.

2006-05-10T15:25:00.000+10:00

I have work to do. But I don't want to do it.

Instead.. I'll let my head slip to fantasy land.

My workmates, despite me leaving, are still asking me questions, and asking me to solve things and issues. Probably a big part of my frustration is this.... they aren't interested in changing anything. I can honestly say, in my year and 10 months here, I've made more changes to systems and spreadsheets than ANY of them in the last five years. It's not saying I'm any good.. but they're so indifferent to work. I hope I don't get that way.

But as usual... something I read or watch, reminds me of what it is to be me, and what isn't, and how lucky I am. Some you have read about Sophie Delezio. If you haven't or have been living under a rock, she's a little girl that suffered burns in a freak accident a few years ago, and a few weeks back, another freak accident where a car ran through a zebra crossing hitting her while being pushed in her pram. It's amazing how children have such spirit, because they aren't cynical, and they find the simple things enough to break a smile. Yes, the media is all over this and for once, I reckon it's a tremendous thing to do. I've never experienced anything near her bad luck and misery, yet, because we live in our little spheres of influence, not getting a promotion, a messed interview, ignored by a chick you dig, not the right meal you ordered, can drive me/us to frustration and huge rants.

Some people will say everything is relative. Yeah, that is true... but there are some absolute truths too. And I feel ashamed to feel down about the few things I have been bemoaning. You can watch the news and go, man, tough break and leave it at that. Or you can watch the news, tough break, and thank your lucky stars and feel glad and inspired. In recent times, all these self help gurus and new age mantras about discovering your inner strength have innundated the airwaves and other media that we can find it in ourselves... sure. Maybe for some. Maybe sometimes. But we don't have all the answers, or all the strength... its foolish pride sometimes. I find looking outside myself, when I'm feeling weak, or needy, to unlikely persons or shy heroes such as this little girl gives me a great big dollop of perspective.

And that's what I guess hope for more than anything- perspective.

3 days and counting....

2006-05-09T16:56:00.000+10:00

Getting closer to my final day.. and you'd expect me to be less busy? NO! I have more stuff to do than I have for the past six months. That kinda sucks. But I have a great manager and it'd be bad to leave too many loose ends.

Seems to be a period of change for my group of friends too... another mate just found out he got a new job. I expect in the upcoming months, there will also be a few leaving for other challenges, a few new relationships have come about in the past few months, I don't expect too many will bust up... and I'm looking forward to new friends and maybe new loves.

Folk back in Perth that I didn't expect to change, have gone from being car crazy party animals to responsible, mortgage paying, wake up at 5am to be first into work types. My best mate has gone from happy-go-lucky-don't-give-a-damn to a doting father looking forward to another daughter and not the fishing companion son he probably wanted a few years back.

Do I find myself changing? I don't feel it yet... and I don't know if it'll be for better or worse. To be frank, I'm becoming increasingly cynical. Possibly more brazen. We'll see what happens when I hit 30.

So as my over reflective persona goes... yeah.. a few regrets... namely my bank balance.... but I reckon I've put a few more question marks to rest. There are still a few... but the next year will clean up a lot of them as they are vocationally centered. There's also quitting smoking, getting fit and finishing all my laundry on my agenda.

Blurred vision

2006-05-08T11:12:00.000+10:00

I swore last week, I wouldn't do the Thursday to Saturday drinking trifecta.

So, because I don't learn, I did it again- but this time it was work and frustration related.

Thursday night- farewell drinks for our chief economist. They're an interesting lot economists.. full of opinions and slightly strange. Met a few that night. Went to a nice spot- Puntino Tratoria where after chatting with the owner, he advised me of the following:

"Moite- if you want, we can evunh do ah whoouull goat, pig.. whatevah moite... just let us knowh!"

Then wandered off to a pub near Kings Cross(I think it was the Strand Hotel)where I got progressively drunker and engaged in some deep and meaningful conversations with some workmates.

Had Friday off to have lunch with my new workmates- and was feeling a little average from the night before. But I figured, a nice lunch, with some sun for two or so hours... that'd be nice and easy. The lunch dragged to a four hour affair followed by farewell drinks for someone else from another team.... and then I wandered off to Chambers for someones b'day etc etc culminating in a midnight Peking duck session. The egg sauce hor fun was tremendous though. It was a fairly funny night watching Wei Ming get beaten at drinking by a girl- though both weren't exactly standing on the podium with grins by the end of the night.

Sat- watched my Eagles lose to the poofters in purple. Wasn't happy so chugged some beer. Then went to Hotel Chambers and had some stupid wannabe promoter tell us that we should dress better etc and bring some women lah lah lah. He looked like Steven Seagals bastard son and had the fashion sense to boot. Had a reasonable time there then went home(after a pathetic supper- bweeeehhhhllrrrggg!) and proceeded to get on MSN and send some emails.

Shouldn't do that. Especially if you 'reply all' when you shouldn't. Especially if the content revolves around you declaring that you are sexy and soon, nobody will be able to deny it. Especially if people on the list include folk that either you don't know, or the other person knows in a more professional capacity. Kinda embarrassing. To top it off, I jumped on MSN and told someone that I thought was a friend of mine, but turns out, I had added the wrong person(just a coupla letters off in the email addie) and got a reply- "That's very funny. But I also don't know who you are."

So I went to bed.

Sunday- went to Manly- didn't go Kayaking with the rest of the boys, but became official bag minder. Had a crazy looking fella sitting behind me meditating for an hour, occasionally chuckling. Then went home and made rice porridge with a few trimmings for a few of us. As per usual, went a little overboard and will be eating it for a few more weeks... though my tau eu bak was pretty good. I want to eat Teo Chew duck dammit. Have a craving for it.

So my last week at work begins- it's like finishing high school all over again except that you're the only one excited, scared and sad.

just thinking...

2006-05-04T11:32:00.000+10:00

I've realized something today.

Sometimes, people mistake me being 'mean', for me just being devastatingly handsome.

Such great looks can intimidate and distract from what is really being said.

grouchy stick insects

2006-05-03T09:58:00.000+10:00

I have been criticized for my last post as being too harsh. I was also called a whinger but I think you lose a lot in printed media versus actually hearing the tone of voice that usually deliver my thoughts with.

If you are indeed an asian female with great qualities or hot, please, feel free to discuss your candidacy with me for the role of my sex slave.. I mean... 'friend'.

What I'm thinking today
I'm learning not to bother trying to rationalise why people do rotten things to people, and to me. In the end, it's selfishness. Put pride aside, the 'how could he's and how could she's' and work on making yourself happy and someone else happy...

My analogy is some folk have an over inflated take of their self worth because they only have half a mirror- they're looking that their top half thinking they look great but because they never see that big fat butt of theirs. they don' t know how ridiculous they actually look to the real world.

Not saying I don't screw up- I know I have and I have done things I'm not proud off.... but I'm trying.

Gripe #1023012301

2006-05-02T08:55:00.000+10:00

This will probably get me crap from the few folk that read this. The very few. And it is shared by another mate that goes by the nom de plume of Mong Wi.

But I'll do it anyway.

Deadweight Asian Women of the New millennium(DAWN)
From observation and contact, it has become increasingly apparent that Asian girls, are becoming more useless. I'm sorry if that sounds preposterous. But it is an observation by myself over the past few years...

....buuuuuuutt...

It seems that finding a girl that cooks, cleans, can hold an intelligent conversation, is well read, aware of what is transgressing in the world today and not self righteous and arrogant is about as likely as finding the Abominable Snowman and Dracula's love child.(yes I know they're both male). In the current circle I'm hanging out with, it's the guys that do almost all the cooking, organising, planning.... heck... virtually anything. I think it's time we just measure ourselves and the contribution we make.

What irks me, is not really the fact that they are difficult to find. It's the girls that AREN'T all this, but have the expectations of the guy being all of these things. Seriously. These girls want a guy that has dough, is driven, yet sensitive but with a streak of 'bad'... Yet, what do they have to offer really. In recent and not so recent times, I've met a bunch of whingy, selfish girls, that really, apart from being female, don't offer that much, yet complain, are demanding, and are seriously unreasonable. Can't cook, can't clean, not particularly successful, not particularly interesting, not particularly talented in anything... yet pouting, bossy and always quick with a puerile, overused anecdotal retort(seriously, if I felt it was worth my time replying, you would be in the corner crying for a few days while you gathered your shredded ego-and I'm not alone in this...again.. Benevolence is not appreciated).Thinking past their LV, Bvlgari and Prada is a virtual impossibility. They want the Sex and the City lifestyle without being called a tart. Or having to work. They want to have their tight knit nucleus of 'soul-mate-we-understand-and-support-everything-you-do' girl friends. A symbiotic sycophantic relationship. COME ON! Friends should support each other... but honesty is probably something rather important too... not cuddles and cream in the face of rampant stupidity. Some are even just plain hypocritical- sneering and gossiping about the behavior of some other girls when, truth be told.... the do EXACTLY the same thing! Pretentious and unrealistic, they lack the toughness of a generation before. Impatient and intolerant, yet they expect us guys(and we traditionally lack empathy)to be understanding and gentle and 'know' them.

You gotta bring something to the table if you expect a meal. Maybe not something exactly the same. But something. Cos people eventually get sick of just giving and giving. I don't even mind if you can hold an intelligent conversation but most of these girls are so vacuous because the last thing they read was an article on how thicker and fuller lashes make their burgeoning butts look smaller when underwater in a decompression chamber.

Seriously- the biggest problem is everyone is looking outwards, instead of looking inwards. Looking for something to blame. Looking for something to gain. But life isn't a charity and to gain you gotta give. Maybe the problem isn't everyone else or something- maybe it's you. It's that 'learned helplessness'- why is this happening to me.. why can't I have this.. it's because of this blah blah blah. It's because you are a lazy, lump that wants to act on every emotion or whim without firstly appreciating the consequences, and more importantly, accepting responsibility. Like whining about a hangover when you drank too much.

I don't get how some of these folk I've met through the years believe they can be condescending to me... perhaps its because, generally, I am nice and pleasant.. so this is mistaken for god knows what... and they feel the need to TELL me how to behave and think. I've tried to reason with them but it is like teaching someone how to play Rachmaninoff when they think a kazoo is a virtuoso instrument.(no offence meant to accomplished kazoo players).

I don't get how this generation expects so much while hoping to give so little.
Of course, all of this is inconsequential if you're a hottie. I can live with that for a while.

My Gutt hurts

2006-05-01T15:14:00.000+10:00

Seriously- it does.

I think I'm REALLY paying the price now for too much drinking.

However..... milestones. Tomorrow marks the LAST 6am start I have to make. It is but with GREAAAATTT relief that I am no longer doing that. I have never been a morning person nor will I ever be.

So, no more! 9 days till I finish here....

Motivation

2006-04-21T14:20:00.000+10:00

Man... without anything to work for or much to do, I am seriously suffering a severe lack of motivation. Three weeks to go... and each hour will be increasingly painful.

But I figure I'll be pretty sad the day I finish here. I'm after all, a pretty sentimental guy. Normally, these emotions are reserved for sporting events.

It has also made me spend as 'reward', even though I haven't started the job.. bought a new suit(a BARGAIN though) and had my first Toni and Guy experience... hair cut looks good.. but I don't think I can see myself paying that sorta money again unless I have Angelina Jolie giving me the hair wash(that's the best part...ngggguuurrrhhh!)

1 hour 45 minutes to go....

Count down

2006-04-18T13:14:00.000+10:00

So my count down begins to the last four weeks of work at NSW TCorp. It's been a strange experience... with lots of good, and sometimes lots of bad. I guess it hasn't been that stressful, but I have been put in positions where the entire day rests on my ability to get things done at six in the morning. That is utterly unpleasant given that I'm really not a morning person.

Going to Perth for ten days too to catch my folks, gran(yoda) and brother and sister- they'll have many zany stories about their WASO tour to China. My bro sms'd me one day after his briefing about the cultural differences in China the following:

'In china, it is common for men to smoke. Women that smoke are whores.'

So looking forward to seeing my brother and sis- they've been amazing over the last few months- my sister with her encouragement and comforting advice- my brother with his ability to distract myself from my self centered wallowing through abstract thought.

And I'll finally catch my best mate Andrew's baby daughter Taylor. Apparently she hates everyone. Which will test my super powers out(my super power is being a best-friend-stealer according to andrew... stupid story)....

But work is horrible today..

Sunday Morning

2006-04-16T14:06:00.000+10:00

Got home from 360- was pretty good fun. Went with some of my Sydney mates that I've made over the past year and a bit. Was quite fun actually but overrated a few things.. : P.

So now, as I listen to trance and reflect, I realize a few things.

There are heaps of weirdos in the world, and insecure people. I mean, the entire 'dance' scene is all about personal gratification.. so you get a snapshot of people. I'm included because to me, it is about getting a buzz, albeit short term. People become so concerned over self actualization. While this isn't totally a bad thing, sometimes, it's nice to be nice and do things that you won't directly benefit from. To give in silence. I believe a gift given without hope of recognition is a true 'gift'. Where the party that receives it, will just wonder who- could be him, could be her.. and that doesn't allow for the question of motivations behind a decision. Because when you can pin point why someone does something, it loses a little bit of its 'magic'... so I think. Which is why the idea of sponsor children etc... people that engage in anonymous altruism... those are the ones that truly give because there is no feelings of being obliged to be nice, or anything(not that it's a bad thing) but there's no pressure on the reverse. Of course, if you use your profile to create awareness etc, that's different. But I guess, to be able to give totally unselfishly, that's really tough. When there is an expectation of gratitude, it's no longer true giving.

Good times are just around the corner

2006-04-14T14:11:00.000+10:00

An interesting year gets even more interesting. Some crazy stuff has happened over the past coupla months, and I thought the wheels fell of sometimes. I know they did with regard to the way I was thinking about things sometimes... got a little loopy.

Butttttt... outta the weird stuff... I've gotten up(still gettin' up)and finally quit my current job, which wasn't really getting anywhere, and got a new one, thanks to the help of many(great advice, encouragement, support) and realised that when I'm down, I've got terrific people that climb outta the woodwork to gimme a hand because they like me. It's reallyreallyreally great. I'm amazingly lucky to have the people I have. It doesn't stop me wanting more in life, it just encourages me to keep doing the things I do, that I'm slightly steered in a better direction than say five months ago.

The new gig will of course require me to work harder, and it's just the beginning.. something I haven't grasped despite me being shoved that lesson so many times- after TEE I believed it'd all be easy- NO - after uni I thought it'd be a waltz - NO - after my first job I expected it to just fall in place and stay there - NO. I'm not one of those that have things fall in place without some effort.. I need to work at it.

Soooo... here's to a new career.... new experiences and old friends.

I think I'm suffering heart palpitations

2006-04-10T14:51:00.000+10:00

Seriously. My chest was pounding this morning, and it felt really really irregular.

thumpa, thumpa, thum-thum-bidibumta.

Also got some good news...well, hope it ends up as good news! There goes the heart again.... this is worrying....

Weekend comin' UP!

2006-04-06T16:57:00.000+10:00

As I reclaim my cheer, this weekend looks to be quite fun...

Have a b'day to go to tomorrow- should be good... then my usual Saturday basketball... then hopefully get on the guitar and write some music for some lyrics and vice versa....

It'd be nice to perform again- didn't realise I actually enjoy it.. haven't done any performance for about eight years.. not since an orchestral gig in Malaysia. Saturday night should be filled with something.. just don't know what yet!

I'm going through a period of remembering the simple things that I enjoy alot....

Forgive me Bloggers

2006-04-04T17:02:00.000+10:00

..for it has been several days since my last blog.

Been suffering a case of blogstipation.

I have nothing much to report that is new really... except that a Green, attention seeking mate of mine, after 11 years of friendship, still needs attention. So here it is.

Had a great time on the weekend at Red Room... it's become like a surrogate Metro's to some of us Perthies over here without the lousy music, attitude and stabbings. Pictures of the night can be found here.

Sunday was a bbq- a little fun in the sun on a beautiful day. Chugged too many beers though and was in bed by 9. But I did get to work on some music with me mate Nigel under a tree... demonstrating to myself once again that I am not a singer or a guitarist. But hopefully, we can lay down a decent melody to some lyrics I wrote. I like some of the stuff I've written... but if it stands the test of time(as in I don't cringe in half a years time when I play it again), I'll be very glad for this period in my life. As it stands, I'm running out of inspiration. Maybe it's time to date a stripper or something really weird that fires up disturbed emotions! Or drugs. Good old drugs.

Looking forward to the weekend already despite it only being Tuesday.

To all those that read my blog... I'm in a very mushy mood... I luvs yas all!

Help...

2006-03-30T09:40:00.000+11:00

Salsa took a scary turn yesterday.
I had a large woman decide that she wanted to dance with me exclusively.
She wouldn't let me lead despite me being quite brutal. And she grabbed onto my thumb as if...
oh gross... I just got a filthy thought.

Either way- I was staring listlessly away trying to make eye contact with the wall or anyone else for that matter.

Next week no longer seems so appealing.

Muzak

2006-03-29T14:42:00.000+11:00

After years of just humming along to songs, I've started listening and reading lyrics to songs. Yes, nearly thirty years to get to that point. All this while, it's been about catchy tunes and licks. I guess I'm maturing in some respects.... and now I'm amazed by how profound some songs are.

There are so many songs out there with lyrics that you can just staple basic personal experiences to..walk through some parts of the song. Probably too many. Then there are a few that make you just wonder if this guy/girl has been eavesdropping on your life. Fact is though, we're not alone in our experiences. That makes the song really click with me. I find the general 'go out and have fun' songs a little shallow I guess.. and because I've had a few experiences that makes me look for answers. Sometimes, I guess, I have to accept that I don't have any, and nobody really does, and it just is. But it's great to know that my deal isn't unique as much as I like to think it is and someone out there can piece it together with music and make me feel less alone. Guys like John Mayer, Damien Rice and even Kanye are probably the most interesting lyricists that I've heard and still am listening to. I'm sure there are heaps more too but I haven't gotten into them yet. It's a great feeling to put it out there from a muso's perspective. Music after all is something to be shared. Just like the soppy stuff such as love and kindness. Now.. if only I could sing.

Try hard

2006-03-28T10:06:00.000+11:00

I got some chords of a mate- he said try to write something with these.

It ended up sounding like Nickelback ate Barry Manilow.

A little controversy

2006-03-27T16:40:00.000+11:00

Okay... now.. I just have to say this.

Note to very large women. There really is no point running. You're still going at the same pace of a quick stride. The difference is there is a lot more noise and 'movement'. Please. It looks very strange and really, it's quite silly looking.

Saturday Stupidity

2006-03-27T09:50:00.000+11:00

Saturday night
Girls- I sympathise with you. I now understand what it is to kiss stubble.
There was a good reason why I admininstered man loving- it was a dare, and it was a bux night.
However, I am a little traumatised myself.

But you have to admit, he was a little irressitable with those bunny ears on.

The top one is my work. The bottom is Brian's.

Another case in point- went to the Kanye West concert last night. The guy is good. But while everyone was bumping around... something clicked with me. He's one guy that doesn't pretend. He's sure of himself, and his roots and his talent. Hence, despite my dislike of sampling past hits, I like his stuff- he pays decent homage to the original and doesn't bastardise the original to the point of mutilation.

Another thing I like about him is his confidence/arrogance. It's one thing to make bold statements, but it's another to work really hard at it to try and get there given he has remarkable talent. Though it is a little corny, I do believe in this: "Now I don't think I succeed every time, but if you shoot for the stars, you'll land on a cloud."

If other financial services professionals knew what we get up to during a lull in the market...

2006-03-21T16:05:00.000+11:00

Ian: I was going to make a remark about mother theresa and regarding 'nun'
but it would really just go 'doink' off their foreheads- maybe leave a red dot there though

Ming: didn't seem to get that email but i'm guessing he meant naan?

Ian: yerp. 'curries and nun' . dinner with mother theresa

Ming: go on.. do it..

Ian: I am wary of your manipulative powers

Ming: you can only resist my jedi mind tricks for so long.

Ian: are you telling me to bark like a dog? cos I have an urge to bark like a dog. is that just me or is that the force at work?

Ming: i'm telling you to sing "jem is my name.. no one else is the same.. jem is my naaaaaaaaaaaaame"

Ian: I'm getting interference.. all I'm getting over here is the gummy bears theme.

Ming: bouncing here and there and everywhere..

Ian: ahhh.. the student has surpassed the master. Feel the power of the.... urm.. merry side.

ho ho

2006-03-21T15:23:00.000+11:00

workmate just told me a little story about her dad. He had a heart valve replacement years ago and takes Wolferen(?)which is an anti-coagulant for blood. It's also in rat poison.

Whenever a mozzie bites him, he looks at it while it keels over and says:

"You didn't expect that eh?"

I am MUTANT!

2006-03-21T12:19:00.000+11:00

My recovery powers sometimes amaze me.
Was feeling like passing out/throwing up/both yesterday arvo. Then, my caffeine high kicked in and I started listening to some disco. So after a little bit of boppin' and trippin' I felt pretty good. But then, as night fell, and a few glasses of red were downed, felt average again....

but then I woke up feelin' pretty good.. still a bit gooey.. but good!

There is very little point to this post except that I'm feelin' pretty happy today and wanted to share that!

2006-03-20T10:44:00.000+11:00

Phew.
Sick.
Not happy about that. Been fighting it for the past two weeks... teetering on ill... but I had other important matters to attend to. Then... Saturday night.. my body decided that it didn't want to battle it anymore and now I'm sick. Want to go home. But I'll just mope around at work and try and write lyrics to some songs I'm trying to pencil down. Figured this- I'm a half arsed poet, and not really a great composer. But- the net result of half arsed poetry and average composition seems to work out to a point. Early days yet considering I have been twiddling with my guitar for five weeks and composing for three. It's pretty much for 'my ears only' but I do like to share the stuff- pretty personal some of it but I figure it helps to get things out in the open sometimes and get suggestions.

Chit Chat Chongs

2006-03-17T10:28:00.000+11:00

Had a few drinks with Jamie and Kookie at Cargo last night. Turned out to be rather funny!

Kookie was relating how she and her fiance argued about silly things. In particular, the one time she dropped a rib while packing some away and Ken's jaw dropped as is he had been gouged by a rhino in the rear. If you knew Ken and the significance of food(and his appetite), you'd understand. Have a feeling that he'd take the news that he would have to have his leg amputated better.

I was also ridiculed regarding how I got punched in the head by the biggest sap in their school once upon a time(a little scuffle that broke out).

Kookie also told us about one of her dad's employees with an incredibly untidy work area.. so untidy that she had to squeeze her calculator sideways in between stacks of paper. The funniest part was that she had learnt to use the calculator SIDEWAYS!

Then there was this little conversation regarding my ex and her infatuation with teddy bears.

I: bought a bear for her *this* big(arm gestures describing the size of the thing)
K: did you think it was cute?
I: it was a good looking bear...!

Kookie explained to me she meant 'did I think her behavior(obsession with bears)was cute straight after.

Things I wish didn't occur...

2006-03-16T10:04:00.000+11:00

.. but got away with it thus far this year

Drank so darned hard- around four weeks of this year are a blur.
Bought pairs of jeans, shoes, ties and shirts that are probably a little pricey especially since I get to wear them once a week at the most.
Worn skin tight jeans(in 2.), black shoes(the cowboy look)and a T-Shirt with 'The Banana's are Ours' emblazoned on the front to Mardi Gras.
Eaten 3 Maccas burgers(Big Mac, Quater Pounder and that new bacon one), fries, coke, two slices of pizza and some calamari on a Friday night while boozing up.
Smoked a pack a day while going through number 1.
Stopped jogging- but will get back into it...
Mismanagement of temper.
Kept up with my ironing(you may think this is trivial but wait till you see my pile of laundry. I reckon you'd find Harold Holt in there somewhere)
Kept my desk at work tidy- same reasons as 8.
Lost sight of my goals in life- getting them back on track now.

Things I want in life

2006-03-13T13:37:00.000+11:00

Focusing on the 'bad' things in my life has been tiring and useless. The last three weeks has probably seen me emerge from my funk with bells on.

Right now- I'm focused on a few things that are important in the short term because it leads on to the long term- because you can't have a long term plan without short term movements and decisions.

Vocationally- I have been moving towards something new and more challenging. By next week, I will probably know if my first foray is successful. And even if it isn't, I will keep trying to get there- it is unrealistic to keep doing the same things over and over again hoping for something different.

Emotionally- I know what I want. I am very confident that this time, it isn't a function of fear, insecurity or selfish intent. Very sure. Though it seems distant, that's where short term movements will bring me closer to my golden goose!

Personally(slightly removed from emotionally)- I've written a few songs(a la my plan to write something that didn't sound like a chinky ballad) and I am proud of two of them. Next is to start creating something visually again- last time was a sculpture that lives in my best mates place in Perth collecting dust. I know I have some decent skills there too(me mum passed that on to me) so it's a matter of motivation + inspiration. Then there are other things such as dance, develop my cooking skills further and practice my cello more.

recognizing what makes me happy in the short term and what will make me happy in the long term is pretty fun really. And the challenge of getting myself there will keep me from idling in the land of self pity.

Stupid stick

2006-03-10T12:46:00.000+11:00

Someone suggested, based on my posted conversation about giggling that I should be made into a doll.....Giggle Me Gonza.

I don't like getting tickled.

Conversation #23202320

2006-03-09T09:46:00.000+11:00

D: just wondering if you managed to find time to move my car out of the visitors spot? i dun want to cause any trouble with the carbay cops

I: urh.. no. should be ok cos jeremy parked jaime's car there for two weeks last time and no probs

D: ok... no worries... i believe you... at least i got written confirmation in case i need to obtain reimbursement of any fines :) hahah

I: did I mention that I'm charging standard parking rates benchmarked to the Wilson Sydney City Car Parking Index? It's a very new index created five seconds ago.

D: that's fine... my Wilson Parking Permit has just been approved... i can park free in Wilson car parks

I: It's benchmarked against it.. it isn't a Wilson Car Park. The index serves as a proxy for my pricing structure.

D: i seem to recall the agreement for my permit under clause 2 subsection A that only wilson car parks can use the wilson benchmark... we wouldnt want mr wilson to come down hard with the full force of its one-man vietnamese legal team, would we now?

I: I'm going to scratch your car tonight.

D:ok, you win

Red Room Pics

2006-03-08T09:42:00.000+11:00

Jeremy doesn't seem to be able to pull a normal face.

There always seems to be a natural progression in antics and 'redness'(myself anyway)through a night. Begins with a few friendly pictures. Then a few pics later, some bigger smiles. Then a reddish hue on my face. Then some strangeness including more skin being shown(my bad)...man-hugging... then group man-hugging... then Peter gagging... then homosexuality-the pic of that has been held in escrow.

Oh What A Beautiful MOOORRRRNINGGG!

2006-03-07T08:56:00.000+11:00

just wandered into Amazon and bought three CD's... well.. soundtracks to musicals. Didn't buy Oklahoma like my title suggests.... but got My Fair Lady, The King and I and West Side Story.

My credit card is feeling ill as of late but what doesn't kill it will make it stronger I say!

NEWS OF THE DAY

2006-03-04T17:39:00.000+11:00

EXTRA EXTRA! Read All About it!

IAN LEE DUNKS PING PONG BALL ON FULL SIZE HOOP!

Yes... it's been a very slow week for news...

but I did!

London Calling again.

2006-03-02T09:27:00.000+11:00

I think this sums up how people react when they meet me:

Me: "I've definitely given up on being 'gonza' sized. not good for the knees and it always looked strange. time to get to a svelte lowish 70 level."

Shawn:"Ah 'gonza sized'. When the mere sight of you would instill fear. Then the sound of you giggling would create confusion."

Doing fine.

2006-03-01T07:56:00.000+11:00

I've been down in the dumps a bit of late(people that know me probably know the details). But last night, I got reminded of a few things. Yes, things in my personal life aren't the greatest. But are they that important in the grand scheme of things? Yes and no.

Yes, because that stuff will make me happy if it ever works out. No... because I shouldn't make it the begin all and end all. I've been an outsider looking in at others before and I couldn't see why they were so hung up over relationships etc. Easy for an external party to say that all the time.

But my perspective, of course, came from something I was watching on telly(the source of all wisdom!) last night.

It was about a woman in the US. She was born with a crippling condition, leaving her without any functionality in her legs. They were amputated as they were basically useless limbs that got in the way. She would get around on her arms, had a modified car, drive around doing chores etc. Very heart wrenching. But she managed to still find someone to love her, got married and even had a child. The birth was difficult already, given her genetic short comings and predisposition. When her husband made comment that if the ultrasound revealed that the child had major disabilities, they should terminate, she pointed out this. If her own mother, had an ultrasound, and exercised that same discretion, she would never have been born. So they had the child, and for all accounts, the child seemed healthy. But if fate hadn't already given her a tough time, her mum, that had held the family together, was diagnosed with terminal cancer- given three months to live. The family, good grief, consisted of her severely mentally disabled brother, and her father that had respiratory issues(hooked up to a oxygen tank), schizophrenia, dementia and early onset Alzheimers. I would probably have taken a long running jump off a cliff by now. People complain about bringing up one child, let alone doing it without any legs. And then she took over her mum's place... and also took care of her brother and father, husband and child. And she admitted it was tough. But she had this cheer about her- and I found that dwarfed(no pun intended)my little situation and basically made me feel so darned weak.

I'm not saying relationships and love aren't important-because I'm sure if she didn't find love, it would have been more difficult. But her ability to work past and dedicate herself to caring for others above herself.... that was amazing. Her sense of purpose gave her this amazing strength.. and I feel really humbled(if that wasn't obvious anyway).

The Tofu Principle

2006-02-28T10:11:00.000+11:00

The Tofu Principle states that if you try and grab on to something too tightly, it will probably splurt out of your hands or possibly disintegrate. You'll lose it/destroy it.

To handle tofu properly- you have to exercise an appreciation for the texture and fragility- be concerned regarding how much force you can apply- too much goes squelch... too little and it'll slip through your hands(chopsticks).

Of course, if you want to split infinitives, you can argue about what sort of tofu are we dealing with... silken, or firm... to Deep fried. I guess that reflects the person you're dealing with. The moral of the story... KNOW YOUR TOFU! (if you like that stinky stuff the monks make- you're really disturbed)

ps- from experience- yelling and abusing your tofu doesn't do anything.

Morning

2006-02-26T08:19:00.000+11:00

It's been a couple of days since my last post. In that time I have drunk too much, taken a sickie as a result, felt like the world was collapsing while hungover, understood that my body influences my mood more than I thought, done some exercise, realised that it's a good thing cos I've always underrated the effect of endorphins, had dinner with my two best friends in Sydney, had them try to figure out why I am the way I am and them come to one conclusion.....

.... I am more like a chick than some chicks. Terrible to admit.. but probably true.

I've come to accept that my head works differently. I don't let things go very easily, and I don't deal well with my feelings. My friends came to this conclusion about me (layman's psychoanalysis)... I do have the 'tortured artist' complex, while not actually being one vocationally. There was a point I guess where I could have chosen to be one. Maybe growing up with three of them, or basically being from the same genetic base has rendered me incapable of just taking things as they come and walking away. That I postulate, analyse my feelings, others feelings, their behavior, my behavior to an extreme point. Maybe I'm just a narcissist. Maybe I have a delusional level of self belief that I can do anything I set my mind to.... fix anything. But unless I try.... I will never know. Maybe it's just fear of unfulfilled promise.

I know I have things good. But that doesn't take away the point in question. I can dwell on a miniscule detail for hours and it can eat me up. Not so much when I think of things critically in a work situation... but when it is an emotional detail...where there are multiple possible solutions.. that bugs the bajeezus outta me.

I've got to learn to enjoy what I do enjoy. I know some people who've been through or are going through similar issues... where one detail bogs their life down. I'm going to enjoy all the passions of my life more- music, food, dance(going to classes this week again after a two year hiatus), fashion(budget permitting), blogs(I do like writing), art(well-some of it that I do get) and friends. I'm not going to ignore the good things in my life.

GADZOOKS

2006-02-22T15:14:00.000+11:00

To those that doubt the power of horoscopes....
Libra
Avoid labeling things as good, bad, desirable or undesirable right now. Something you thought was terrible could turn out to be beneficial and vice versa. It takes time to see the true meaning behind things.

and for the next day:

It's time for a new POV. Radically change how you relate to your physical presence. Maybe that means a new haircut. Maybe that means loving the miracle that is your body. Tell yourself how lovely you are -- and believe it.

It's exactly where I am! And I got a hair cut yesterday! : P

Fragility

2006-02-22T13:47:00.000+11:00

Man... the last few weeks... mortality seems to be something I hear about.

A few weeks back, a guy that works on the trading floor at ABN Amro, across the road from my work, just collapsed and died in the office. Some of my workmates know the guy.

Then today, I was told by this personal trainer that my shirt(which has 'Death from Above' emblazoned across it)could be deemed offensive to some as someone died at the gym earlier in the week.

You hear about how a freak occurrence wipes out six teenagers doing something as innocuous as waiting for a cab.

Leads you to wonder... when is your time? What would you have accomplished. What legacy would you leave? Would you have said/shown people all that you could? Would you have left too many loose ends?

I'm in the business this year of telling the people I care about, that I, indeed, care and appreciate them. I'm not leaving open wounds. If I died tomorrow.. I'd want those people to know I love them heaps. Just like if any of these people I love passed on, I'd like them to go knowing that too.

And I'll work on forgiving... cos that's probably one of the toughest things for me to do.

daily thought.

2006-02-21T09:22:00.000+11:00

Hrm.. while overthinking again...

.... its the things you take for granted that you tend to lose. Things we see everyday... keys, wallet, etc... they're really important but we always expect them to be there. Then when we do lose them... we get into a frenzy... really panics us because we realise how important they are then and there.

I've done that with my music... didn't practice for years on end... it was easy when I had regular lessons to get better and maintain... now I'm pretty dissapointed at not being able to play nearly as well as I used to. Did that with my best mate in high school... always said we'd catch up but never did... top guy and I kinda regret not knowing where he is in the world today. Academically as well... kinda expected to pass without doing much work but then BABOOM! comes crashing down.

My dad used to always tell me the same story.... and it used to bore the living daylights outta me by the 1000th rerun. About how, he used to finish top in his class every year EXCEPT for the year he actually expected it. Finished second. Boo hoo I tells ya. But the moral of the story, apart from him telling me he's smarter than me, is that he took his position for granted. He later went on to top the state and win a scholarship to uni. Which, makes me look like a super pleb. Which is probably why my brother and sister did music instead! :) Me... oim nort dat clevah.

Things I talk about over drinks with Mengy

2006-02-21T08:29:00.000+11:00

If my bunch were dwarfs a la Snow White naming conventions....

Skinny- Desmond
Whingy- Ding
Baldy- Ming
Chongy- Brian
Fatty- Wei Ming
Hungry- Wei Ming(he counts for two)
Whitey- Brett
Dopey- Kar Meng
Jeremy-Jeremy
Pasty- Aldo
Dummy- Peter Foo

Gonza and the dwarfs.

More funny stuff

2006-02-20T15:09:00.000+11:00

My housemate Mengy got back from Perth/Adelaide last night. He brought me back a video message on his phone from my best mate, Andrew, and his toddler daughter, Taylor that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting as yet. And his dog, Thunder.

Mengy told me then that Taylor seems to be a little bit antisocial and dislikes everyone except for mum... (dislike includes her dad- his words were that he has a grumble bum daughter)

So, as things go, Andrew remarked to Mengy that he was definitely going to have another child.... this time.. one that likes him.

If you knew him, you'd understand this was typical Andrew.

Good morning

2006-02-17T10:06:00.000+11:00

Woke up really late today-well... seeing that I had to be at work by 6:15, waking up at 6:13 wasn't a good thing. So I grabbed my stuff, squeezed into my new pair of jeans(Nudie Thin thins), and ducked outta the door.

Got out the front where my cabbie was waiting... but he had his bonnet open. And there was steam. So I jump in anyway, and he mentions that a hose is busted. Okaaaaay. He depresses the accelerator, and the car lunges forward then halts then forward etc.... hrmmm.

A beeping noise from the dash soon follows, and then I check out the temperature gauge to see the needle touching its toes. More steam pissing out.

So we turn a few corners and he ducks down to grab some tape from a deli. Still waiting outside, and still heaps of steam coming out. He eventually tapes it and decides it's now or never. So we drive down towards my work, with me starting to wonder if the car will explode, or at the very least, melt. Going down King St, and the steam that was previously coming out of one corner of the bonnet is now coming out of every gap. I felt like I was on a train in the old days. Almost shouted "TOOOT TOOOOT... chugga chugga chugga chugga" as we went by a few cars and more stares.

Eventually, he pulled short anyway and I had to walk the last coupla hundred metres to work. Should have taken a picture but I was half an hour late.

Hrmmm... I feel good.

2006-02-15T15:18:00.000+11:00

I was reading the AFR BOSS magazine when I came across an interesting article. It centered around focussing on our strengths and not our weaknesses. The rationale in a nut shell was that if we go through life, hazarding for errors and not making mistakes, we end up, in a best case scenario, with zero errors, but not necessarily moving ahead. The guy being interviewed is Martin Seligman, president of the American Psychological Association.

Funnily enough, I've been trying to apply this concept(unaware that someone else was putting pen to paper about it) to myself and others. While I do moan and groan, I like to take comfort in the positives in my life and refocus my energy on moving forward.

He goes further to break 'happiness' into three components- the hedonic life, the engaged life and the meaningful life. Hedonic is the most fleeting(buying a telly, eating something yumbo, drinking). Engaged is when you are absorbed by what you are doing to the extent that time flies(like I mentioned in several posts ago.. it's art and music for me). Meaningful is when you serve something beyond yourself(could be religious or helping others).

He summarises by saying that people will be happiest when living a 'good' life, rather than trying to acquire pleasure.

All this, was brought on by his five year old daughter. Cool story- I'll quote:

Seligman's five year old daughter, Nicole, is helping him weed. But it's a child's definition of help: she throws weeds in the air, dances and sings. Selignman yells at her and she walks away, returning a few minutes later.
"Daddy, I want to talk to you," Nikki says. "Daddy, do you remember before my fifth birthday? From when I was three until when I was five I was a whiner. I whined ever day. On my fifth birthday, I decided I wasn't going to whine anymore. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. And if I can stop whining, you can stop being such a grouch."

- from Authentic Happiness(Random House, 2002).

This 'epiphany' granted him a look at his own life.. that his acheivements were based around finding out everything that was WRONG about life. He calls it 'learned helplessness' we know what is wrong with us so we don't do anything about it.... by blaming externalities(ADD, childhood etc) creating 'footless self esteem'.. Salerno, the author of SHAM: How the gurus of the self-help movement make us helpless'- further highlights a more benign manisfestation such as the statement 'I'm fine just the way I am, thank you' and can stunt growth.

I like this statement though:

"The problem is that when you have a very big 'I' and a very small 'We' the consolations for failure go down."

Believing in something larger helps. While I know I haven't gotten lots of things in life right... whether it is momentary or over a long period of life... this stuff does make sense and I think I've been doing some of these things anyway.

Music

2006-02-15T09:35:00.000+11:00

I want to compose a song.

Currently everything I write sounds like a chinky ballad.

The band I used to play in was comprised of asians... and as a result, we were pretty adept at playing ballads. I dubbed us the Bullcreek Ballad Boys.... could be shortened to TripleB. Guess our catch cry could be 'Darker than lead...!' or '2B 3B'...
I want to create something meaningful, that when I listen to it again, it doesn't make me cringe.

have had several attempts before and a whole lot of cringing after.

...the people that mean the most to me that aren't with me here...

2006-02-15T09:00:00.000+11:00

Somehow... I only can find pics while we're eating of my folks and gran. Well... that's kinda expected with my gran... she is a remorseless eating machine. Looks like yoda though.

Another year... another valentines day

2006-02-14T15:53:00.000+11:00

Went to Slipp Inn last night.. it was an 'anti-valentines' day thingo there. PACKED. Huge bunch of single folk or at least pseudo single folk there... pretty aggressive bunch actually.. rowdy and horny I expect.

Eventually couldn't be bothered anymore- was fun looking at everyone trying to work an angle, but as things go, wasn't in the mood. Plus had to start work at six so after finshing off two bottles of champers with three others on top of the six vodkas I had earlier, I stumbled home thinking.."I've got to be awake in five hours. Stupid stupid stupid."

Then I went home and tried to cook. Made a carbonara which was very bland. Then slumped into bed even more dissatisfied than I had been before everything.

I think the bad combination of booze and crap food also gave me nightmares... I kept on imagining it was 8am and everyone at work was waiting on me. Which resulted in me waking up at 4am. But weirdly enough.. I'm feeling rather good!

But I got to think about the things I value while walking home and the people I miss the most- my family and close friends. Being in Sydney, while I have some great friends here.. I still wonder what my family is up to. They don't like to burden me with any issues so they tend to maintain their silence. But I just like to know... hence... my next post will be...

Pics from the weekend- 3ple farewell-Ads, Benny and Alice

2006-02-14T09:36:00.000+11:00

nigel and me, bart and me, bart and jolli, wei ming and cookie, cookie and me

nigel and me, bart and me, bart and jolli, wei ming and cookie, cookie and me
Can't figure out how to space these darned things.. and my skills in html are non existent.

will post more.